I'm not sure why I started to write this, I only know that I feel to much to comprehend. I'm too confused about too many things to know what to do with my life. I'm sick with stress and worry, and I can't seem to have luck on my side in any aspect of my life.

One year ago things crashed, only I didn't know how severely they crashed until recently. It's been easy to blame the "bad guy" and pretend like I'm just a little flustered and that things will get better. But the truth is, nearly two years ago is when it all really fell apart inside of me. And I can't blame myself for that in entirety, but I shouldn't have held onto nothing for so long. When someone shatters you that way....I just don't know how I thought I'd ever be able to mend myself. To mend us.

Falling out of love is harder than anyone would ever tell you. Because you don't want to, you struggle with every strand of your body to still love the person that broke you. You fight, you scream, you tear yourself apart...I've tried with every ounce of my being to stay in this for real. But I fall away more everyday. Quite honestly, being shattered by someone I love was easier than the Hell I've been living. I feel that love still deep down there, but there have been so few reasons to hold onto it anymore that I think my subconscious is turning off literally all my emotion just to keep myself held together by a thin strand of sanity.

I don't know how I've lasted this long, and I can't say that I haven't tried. I've sat, thought about everything I love. Everything I will lose if I walk away. And while I cry, I anger, I fit, I can't seem to pull myself together to be in for the long haul. Marriage was once something I was ecstatic about. The cheesy proposal worked for us, not having a ring for a year worked for us. It was just who we were. But now I look back, and I wonder if I really meant it when I said "yes." I don't know the girl that said that, I don't know the girl from a year ago, so I can't say that I did mean it or that I didn't.

I feel like I was the one to "settle" with. Because I went through so much shit with him, it probably seemed I would stick it out through thick and thin. But it's been thin so long, so many times, that it's wearing on me. And I don't want to be the settlement. I wanted to be the one. I guess four years ago should have taught me that I wasn't the one. Three years ago proved it again, two years ago screamed it at me, and I just ignored the signs.

I don't know how to walk away, or if I want to. I know I'm not happy inside, and I know the relationship I have has been broken many times over. My heart has been shattered so many times that I don't think I can put it into this fully anymore. I'm too afraid to get into this deeply again because each time I do, I'm disappointed, broken and lying on a floor with a bleeding arm.

I never eluded to how much pain I went through a year and a half ago. It feels like yesterday when I think of how I felt, I can still feel the pain now. November 25, 2007 I was madly in love with every fiber of my body. Nothing would have shaken that or made me think we would be torn apart. 6:33 a.m. November 26, 2007, it was forcibly taken from me; shattered. Because of a stupid misconception. How anyone could think so low of me, I'll never know. Apologizing in June of 2009 is too late to fix it; too late to take back all the harsh words and all the pain I live with everyday. I was called a slut, I was told that everything I said sounded like "half truth." I was told that I was always sneaking around, always lying, and that I never listened, cared or loved. I was told that basically everything I knew to be true, was a lie. "I don't even want to know who he is." That sentence echoes in my head at least once a day. And I look at the spot that he sat when he said it and cry. I could have never found another "he" to take the place of the love I felt for him. I doubt that I will ever love anyone as much as I loved him all the way up until the morning of 11/26.

Why I stuck around for that month I will never know. So many slashes wrapped my arms, so much confusion and anger that it literally was driving me mad. i can't even look at the picture of us from November 25...my birthday, because I see two people, happy, and in love. Until I find out this year that he had thought I was a cheating lying bitch for three months before he finally said something about it. Three months of lies, and an unforgivable fake life. While I blindly skipped through those months thinking that it could never have been better. What a fool I was...what I fool I've been for so long.

The pain and confusion I went though during that time is incomprehensible to anyone outside of myself, and many probably wonder why it still kills me so fiercely. I saw a future back then, I saw my life laid out and happy with him. I saw marriage, kids, and a steady career...I saw a beautiful life. Now I see nothing.

I know it's not me that caused it, but I still feel guilty. Because I've tried to hang on so long...after that month of Hell I figured that I would slowly start to feel what I used to for him. Then I thought I'd have to settle for less of my passionate love, and deal with how I felt. But it just keeps getting worse; my internal war. I WANT so badly to feel what I did then. I crave it, I strive for it. But I can't make myself feel it; I was too broken. I'm like the hand shy puppy that still follows their owner faithfully...

Everyone said it wouldn't work. Everyone said I was stupid to take him back.

"It won't be like last time; I promise." And I believed him when he said that. My heart soared when he told me that. I guess I didn't realize that not being like last time, could mean many things, and this time surely wasn't like the last.

Right now I feel like he's trying to push me away. Like he's doing everything in his power to make me want to run away because he doesn't know how to say goodbye. I don't want to be the one to say it, I don't want to be pushed to that point; partly out of stubbornness. But it kills me to think that's what happening. But I guess I shouldn't be surprised, it's the only way he's ever broken up with me. The only way he's known how. I just didn't see it coming this time because it was so drawn out and horrible...I was too focused on the pain to see what was happening around me.